ABC's somehow hit show The Masked Singer made a surprising announcement yesterday as it revealed that The Turtle, The Turkey, and The Devil were all actually Mitch McConnell. Many viewers were already guessing that the Senate Majority Leader was at least one of the Masked Creatures, but the shocking reveal showed he was actually all three. How he was able to represent three different creatures and be the leader of the GOP is still in question, but when the AYN2K News Team reached out to McConnell's party for comment, they said he was "in hibernation for the winter and declined further questions."

The clues that were given by The Masked Singer that led many to believe he was inside The Turtle, The Turkey, or The Devil are below:

-Loves to interrupt things that are running smoothly
-Jowls for Days
-Looks like a Wax Figure placed too close to a radiator

These clues finally led Mitch McConnell to unmask himself as all three costumes.

Photo Credit: newrepublic.com

A local man is losing sleep due to extreme frustration regarding the "not so neighborly" crickets that have taken up residence near his home. He has stated that the noisy insects wake him up too early and keep him up too late, and that "the least they could do is get on the same rhythm." The man accuses Disney of creating a deceitful image of the noisy bug in the classic Pinocchio film from 1940. The agitated man feels that Jiminy Cricket sets too high of a standard for crickets everywhere and strongly feels that Disney should be held accountable for constructing a false standard.

The man has threatened to sue the crickets in Small Claims Court for trespassing and harassment. His local court office stated "Yeah, we definitely threw away his lawsuit. Pretty much as soon as he handed it to us. He gave us the document, we said we would get to it right away, then before he made it out the door, we filed it away in our circular filing cabinet. That's a joke! Get it? Circular filing cabinet? That means waste basket."

The agitated man is even considering moving to a more urban area to avoid the overbearing chorus of crickets on his property. Even then, he believes the chirping insects "have it out for him" and would follow him to wherever he moved because he has heard that the "crickets have gone wireless." This is a developing story and AYN2K will continue to follow the case.

Photo Credit: jokesoftheday.net 

Sources within a vague shouting distance of people with information are reporting that Joe Biden has officially picked his running mate for his 2020 presidential campaign: Bob the Tomato. Biden chose Bob the Tomato because he said he was a well rounded individual. Joe was quickly informed that having Bob the Tomato as his Vice Presidential Candidate was "impossible" and "fictional," and after a brief rebuttal, the former VP agreed.

             Biden will now reassess his decision and officially announce his (second) choice for his                running mate as soon as today.




Photo Credit: bigidea.fandom.com, breitbart.com

Though this is under the news section, this surely isn't breaking news to anyone. There actually wasn't even a vote, but if Time Magazine did decide to award "Worst Year Ever," 2020 has an unbelievable resume. I think we can all relate to this picture from The Simpsons with Homer wistfully muttering "Oh will this horrible year never end?" That, quite possibly, is the worst part: we still have a ways to go. It's like we are a little over halfway through the workday and we spilled coffee on our shirt that we had already spilled coffee on that morning and spaghetti sauce on at lunch. The shirt is a disaster, but hey, might as well power through for the rest of the day. The following phrase either really works with that metaphor or cancels it out: 2020 is a wash.

The world has taken gut punches and uppercuts ALL YEAR LONG. If 2020 was a boxing match, they would have called it a long time ago. Instead, our figurative trainer is patching up our wounds with Elmer's Glue, tying our hands behind our back, and telling us to get back out there. As we hopefully dodge the inevitable jabs and body shots, the times we are living in have truly tested two sayings that often brought me comfort:

"It can't get any worse."

"We can only go up from here."

Have you ever loathed a year more than this one? Have you ever longed to run into someone at Walmart? I hate going to Walmart and I hate running into people. I'm not a huge stop and talk guy. Thanks to 2020 turning the world upside down, I'd love to go to Walmart and see someone, and that concession is a testament to how crazy this year has been.

​Photo Credit: picuki.com

In a shocking turn of events, the beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch was hit with distressing news of his demotion from Captain to First Lieutenant. Captain Crunch, or Cap'n Crunch for short, has held the position of Captain since 1963, making this news that much more unbelievable. The report announcing his demotion stated the lowering of ranks was due to "disorderly conduct" and "not taking responsibility for his cereal being all berries from time to time." Captain Crunch responded to the accusation by simply saying "Oops!"

AYN2K media relations reached out to Captain Crunch's representatives and legal team, but they declined to comment on the matter at hand and instead sent back a letter which read "CRUNCHATIZE ME CAP'N" in all caps diagonally across the page. The Cereal Mascot Community has undoubtedly taken the report hard, with Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam releasing a joint statement days after the news broke.

"We are deeply saddened to hear about the demotion of Captain Crunch. First Lieutenant Crunch simply does not have the same ring to it. He has always been of the kindest nature to us, but we will concede that this news was not surprising. The guy was a little crazy. I mean have you seen the cereal he has been putting out? Cotton Candy Crunch? Are you kidding me?"

Snap, Crackle, and Pop were not able to put together words at this time, but said they will soon make their thoughts public when they feel the time is right. Count Chocula sadly wrote on his Twitter Page "This sucks" with a frowny emoji.

Photocredit: wsj.com

Though it may seem the pandemic is over, top health officials are hesitant to say we are out of the woods just yet. Actually, health officials might even argue that we are wondering through the the woods aimlessly hoping to be saved by the sheer grace of God. Instead of using our compass or a map, we have elected to follow the moss that lies on the sides of rocks and chosen to follow our guts. But hey, this article isn't about the pandemic! It's about those pesky masks we all have to wear (or should be wearing) when we go out! Below are 5 reasons why those masks really aren't that bad.

1) You can Talk/Sing to yourself in Public and no one will know.
This one is a personal favorite of mine. Have you ever found yourself walking around the grocery store singing a song to yourself or taking a quick mental note out loud to pick up some frozen pizzas? With masks, gone are the days where a stranger will send you a dirty, judgmental look for singing Whitney Houston under your breath.
2) If you have Something in your Teeth, no one can See it. 
The tragic embarrassment of having a piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth and someone pointing it out is no more as long as masks are around. Remember, it isn't your fault that it got stuck there, it's the BLT's fault, and the shaming from your friends will be nonexistent if you keep that mask on.
3) Your Bad Breath is Kept to Yourself.
Whether it's your coffee breath or just a bad case of that stanky mouth, wearing a mask will save your friends and family from ever suffering from your bad breath again. However, the mask usually allows you to smell your own bad breath like never before, which can be surprisingly brutal. Trust me, it is rough, but it encourages you to practice dental hygiene, so that in itself is another plus!
​4) Covers up Chapped Lips and Skin Blemishes.
Ever left the house saying to yourself "man I hope no one notices my crusty lips or my skin blemishes?" Well, what a blessing wearing a mask must have been for you. Now you are like a superhero! Never leaving your house without a mask, and your super power is covering up those temporary imperfections. Sure, the mask itself may irritate the skin, but double down and keep wearing it! Hide behind the beautiful veil that is the face mask.
5) They Save Lives
Though the message hasn't always been clear from our leadership, it is now widely agreed upon that wearing masks can help stop the spread of the virus we are now living with. The health benefits of wearing masks are best explained in three parts:
a) Decreasing virus spread by infected individuals. The mask traps virus particles on the inside, preventing the virus particles becoming airborne. Protects others.
b) Decreasing new infections by uninfected individuals. The mask prevents airborne virus particles being inhaled from the outside. Protects yourself.
c) Limiting hand to face contact. The mask puts a physical barrier between potentially contaminated hands and passages to one's lungs.
Source: www.maskssavelives.org
As you can see, the benefits are plentiful when it comes to wearing masks. Most importantly, it is a free pass to sing and talk to yourself in public, just don't do it too loud! For more information regarding the benefits of wearing a mask, visit https://www.maskssavelives.org

Photocredit: webmd.com

 A local Chick-fil-A that is far enough away to where you have never been to it has landed in some hot water because some cold lemonade landed on a customer. Witnesses say that the customer ordered a Spicy Chicken combo meal and had already received their table number when the employee accidentally spilled a delicious, refreshing, ice-cold lemonade on the customer. A dramatic gasp filled the restaurant as fresh squeezed lemonade dripped to the floor. Those standing close to the counter of the restaurant say that the employee looked the customer in the eye, smiled, and simply stated "My Pleasure," leading some to believe that this spill could have possibly been premeditated. Chick-fil-A has not commented on the story because they were not asked to comment.

The customer who had Chick-fil-A's famous lemonade spilled on them was forgiving at first, but after the employee looked at them and said "My Pleasure," the customer was confused. 

"I understand that it is part of their code to say my pleasure as they serve their customers," said the person whom the thirst quenching, world famous lemonade was spilled on, "but was it right to say it after spilling the drink on me? That's why I am a little sour about it." 

The customer was rightfully sour, because the lemonade was in fact spilled on their clothing. However, Chick-fil-A's lemonade is the perfect combination of sweet and tart, so the customer should have displayed a sugary attitude as well.

Was the spill on purpose or a mishap? Was the "My Pleasure" intentional or accidental? These questions are fueling the "Lemonade-gate" within the town that this event is affecting, and many in the community are thinking this case has the chops to make it all the way to the Supreme Court.

"Over a spilled cup of lemonade? Not a chance" said Chief Justice John Roberts of the Supreme Court.

This mishap happened on a Saturday, and many are jumping to the conclusion that Chick-fil-A knows they are guilty considering they closed their doors the following day. The customer has agreed to not press charges and was given a refill of their very reasonably priced lemonade after they took the lid off and told the employee if they wanted more ice or not.

Photo Credit: AL.com
*This is not real

A woman who was enjoying a granola bar unfortunately lost her grip on the crunchy snack and allowed it to fall to the ground. Despite efforts to retrieve the bar from the ground in the allocated 5 seconds, the woman was just a second too late. The germs that were on the ground waited the appropriate time to attack the fallen granola, and after 5 seconds it ,of course, was declared fair game.

The woman could best be described as disgruntled, and the germs, if personified, most likely resembled kids running into Disney World as they covered the granola bar after the invisible gates opened for them to blanket the snack. It is unknown if the woman intended to pair the granola with a parfait.

Photo Credit: dailymail.co.uk

A classic case of "don't believe everything you see on TV" came to fruition when a man living near where polar bears also live decided to share his delicious Coca Cola with a pack of polar bears. You cannot blame the guy for wanting to live it up with these majestic beasts like how it is in the Coca Cola commercials, but you can blame him for lacking both common sense and intellectual reasoning. "They look so fun in the commercials!" is likely what the man thought just before the strife occured.

Polar Bears are vicious, wild, carnivorous animals, and should only be approached under drastic circumstances. In this case, sharing a soda would not be filed under drastic, though the result of the sharing could be deemed as gratuitously drastic. Wildlife experts as well as everyone on the planet are warning people not to approach polar bears. You wouldn't approach a black bear or grizzly bear would you? Exactly, so remember that the Coca Cola commercials are fictitious and your attempt to crack open a cold one with some cute, fluffy white bears could consequently result in the polar bears cracking you open. 

Both Coca Cola and Polar Bears declined to comment.

Photo Credit: heavemedia.com

A local troublemaking kid stayed up very late last night because his school district would not call off school due to the accumulation of snow on the ground. The school district declined to comment, but it can be inferred that they didn't think there was enough snow on the ground for a snow day. The kid pleaded with his parents and friends that they should cancel school, adding that he thought that the backroads were "probably pretty bad." The kid was upset when he heard that school would go on as regularly scheduled. He will now have to do nothing at school rather than doing nothing in the comfort of his own home. 

In defense of the school system, there is a lack of sufficient snow for sledding and snowball making, so that is most likely why they decided to just have kids come to school. This is a developing story, and we will add any more information that is presented to us. 
Photo credit: verywellfamily.com

Now before I dive right in, let me preface my thoughts by saying this: I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to spending time on my device. I am connected through three or four forms of social media, I'll text someone that is within walking distance; I am in no way better or any more advanced when it comes to staying busy with technology. However, I will say that I am aware of the issue, and I have made a lot of strides to mend the problem, and let me tell you, our society has a problem.

I recently read an article titled "The Effect of the Presence of your Cellphone on your Brain," and my phone was sitting right next to my laptop on my desk. As I read on the screen "even having your phone within reach can impair cognitive abilities," I sat there continuing to scroll through the passage while staying attentive to my phone incase some sort of notification or text illuminated the screen.

It is not a smart device, a marvel of modern technology, a connecting point for two people across the globe; devices are distractions. Sure, they can perform tasks that were never possible before, and can allow two people with thousands of miles in between them to discuss their favorite gingerbread recipes, but do you know what the number one use for a cellphone is? A distraction. Don't want to do homework? Get on your phone. Alone? No you are not! "Connect" with people on your phone! Sitting in a room full of individuals waiting for class to start? Better not bother them right? It would be better to not converse with anyone, and rather mindlessly scroll through something meaningless.

The devices have stripped the basis of society of having conversation, and has also transformed what used to be normal into the abnormal. Now if you go up to a person and start a conversation with them, they are quickly caught off guard and think to themselves "who is this crazy person speaking to me?" I will often be waiting to meet some friends, or maybe passing time before a class starts, and I will be by myself. I feel the urge to get my phone out, to text someone, or to check social media, and I fight it. I stand there with just myself and my thoughts, and I relish that time of self reflection. However, if someone were to look at me during this time, no phone or laptop diverting my attention, just a guy staring off in the distance, that person would be confused as to what I was doing. They might even come up to me and ask if I am okay (which has happened before). The fact that I was not looking into a phone, a computer, or any sort of screen, alarmed someone to the point where they inquired if I was "okay. That is comical to me, because as you walk and look around at everyone's eyes glued to their screens, I think asking one of those phone zombies if THEY were okay would be more warranted.

Conversation is most definitely dead. Often people will sit with friends and family, and will be laughing and having great conversations and asking questions, however they are doing that with people they are not actually with, but rather the people on the other end of their phone. I will be eating lunch with friends, and if there's a lull in a conversation, the phone is pulled out. I will spend time with family, yet we all are gathered around a television screen, and then on top of that we are checking our devices. A study by Ofcom published on The Telegraph stated that "One-third of people say members of their household sit together as a family in the same room to watch their favourite shows. But while parents watch something on television, one child might be streaming a show on a laptop and another with headphones plugged in to their mobile phone." 

There is no conversation anymore, and if there is, it is a struggle because we are all accustomed to conversation via technology and not face to face. Pulling your phone out when you are with someone is subtly (or maybe even blatantly) conveying to them that your device is more important to you then they are. In order to connect with those people we love and care about, we have to disconnect. Plain and simple. Next time you feel the urge to retreat to your safety net of comfort that is your phone, swim against the current and leave it in your pocket. Phones and other devices are things that we believe we cannot live without, but in all honesty, we will not be able to actually live and converse to the best of our ability until we are without them. 

Disconnect to connect.

Photo Credit: reddit.com

References: thetelegraph.com, www.labroots.com

A new study conducted by the AYN2K research department reveals that studies that are shown might not actually be studied showings, but rather showings that are not studied. The public is always quick to believe a news report that states "studies show" before it presents what the studies are showing, but recent studies show that it might be good to study the showings yourself before you believe that the studied showings have actually been studied.

"Studies show" is an inevitable and credibility-advancing tactic that news outlets utilize to stabilize the studies that they are wanting to show the viewer. When an audience member of any demographic registers the fact that what they are being shown has supposedly been studied, they immediately believe this studied showing to be true. Here are some examples of shown studies that are presented that most likely do not need to be studied, but are still shown:

"Studies Show that Most of Your Facebook Friends are not Really Your Friends" -Oxford University

"Studies Show that Dark Websites are Most Commonly Used for Crime" - King's College

"Studies Show that Phone Calls Get More Accomplished than Text Messages" -Technical Education Institute

"Studies Show that a Healthy Diet Will Help You Live Longer" -National Center for Global Health and Medicine

All of these studies that are shown did not necessarily have to be studied, but the study centers wanted to show these showings and figured they best study them before showing them. These are all obvious showings, and the "Studies Show" at the beginning of each one really bolsters the fact that they are in fact studied showings.

All of them seem believable right? Well what if I told you that I made up one of the "studies show" and added it to the studied showings? Can you pick out which studied showing that is being shown was not actually studied?

If you chose "Studies Show that Phone Calls Get More Accomplished than Text Messages," then you were successfully able to pick out the "studies show" needle out of the "shown studies" haystack, though it is just as accurate as the others without any finances being wasted on studying. The Technical Education Institute, to my knowledge, is a fictional institution that I just made up. The fact that you read this article is a contribution to our study which we plan to show at a later date.

Therefore, the study that we just conducted shows that you cannot put your undying trust in "studies show" studies because the credibility of those shown studies might warrant some studying themselves. Always make sure to study "studies show" showings, because it might just show that studies that are being shown were both falsely studied and shown.

Photo Credit: huffingtonpost.com
Studies Shown: entreprenuer.com
 

The sidewalks of Nashville will soon look much different following Mayor David Briley’s decision to ban scooters from operating in his city. Mayor Briley notified several scooter companies present within Nashville of his plans last month citing “public safety and accessibility costs.” ​

Uh-oh.

Realistically, if I lived in Southern California, or really any part of California, I would be incredibly weary of this predicament. A lot of questions would be going through my head right now.

Should I sell my house and move east and be a part of a Reverse Westward Expansion? Is the box office classic San Andreas starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson an accurate depiction of what could happen?

Thousands upon thousands of people were affected by these earthquakes, one person being former Murray State basketball standout and now Memphis Grizzly Ja Morant, who stated that the earthquake made his hotel start shaking, which prompted him to tweet "I thought I stood up too fast" with a face palm emoji.

It is abundantly clear that these two earthquakes will in fact NOT cause a bunch of people to freak out and move away, both because that is just human nature and real estate value will plummet. Imagine the selling points for a real estate agent in Southern California. "Oh what does this house feature? Well it is two bedroom, two bath, and it also sports a really open layout, and by open layout I mean your house could split open at any point in time."

Why is it that people will continue to live there? The beautiful weather? The friendly people? The logic that these people are practicing by just writing off that these two earthquakes happened and it will probably all be fine is equivalent to investing all of your money into AM radio stations. Things are bad, and it only looks worse from here on out (does that metaphor make sense? you know cause no one listens to AM radio so why would you invest money in it expecting for something to change? If it doesn't make sense, just pretend like it does). 

With all news, it always helps to look at the positives, even if it may seem like there are none.

Positive Number 1- The Lakers and Clippers look to be the teams to beat in the upcoming NBA season, and if California just kind of broke off, then that would really turn a two horse race into a wide open one.

Positive Number 2- The NCAA has been dealing with California passing a bill to allow athletes to receive financial compensation for their names and likeness, so instead of banning schools from competition they could just kind of whistle and breezily walk away from the whole thing.

I really hope the "big one" never occurs (if possible), but I do believe that the residents should be informed and prepared in case that day ever does come. I think the only Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson movie anyone wants to come true is The Tooth Fairy, so fingers crossed that these two earthquakes were the worst of it and not a sign that the worst is yet to come.
Photo Credits: ca.gov