Captain Crunch Demoted to First Lieutenant

By Quinn Eaton

In a shocking turn of events, the beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch was hit with distressing news of his demotion from Captain to First Lieutenant. Captain Crunch, or Cap'n Crunch for short, has held the position of Captain since 1963, making this news that much more unbelievable. The report announcing his demotion stated the lowering of ranks was due to "disorderly conduct" and "not taking responsibility for his cereal being all berries from time to time." Captain Crunch responded to the accusation by simply saying "Oops!"

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