Captain Crunch Demoted to First Lieutenant

By Quinn Eaton

In a shocking turn of events, the beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch was hit with distressing news of his demotion from Captain to First Lieutenant. Captain Crunch, or Cap'n Crunch for short, has held the position of Captain since 1963, making this news that much more unbelievable. The report announcing his demotion stated the lowering of ranks was due to "disorderly conduct" and "not taking responsibility for his cereal being all berries from time to time." Captain Crunch responded to the accusation by simply saying "Oops!"

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AYN2K media relations reached out to Captain Crunch's representatives and legal team, but they declined to comment on the matter at hand and instead sent back a letter which read "CRUNCHATIZE ME CAP'N" in all caps diagonally across the page. The Cereal Mascot Community has undoubtedly taken the report hard, with Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam releasing a joint statement days after the news broke.

"We are deeply saddened to hear about the demotion of Captain Crunch. First Lieutenant Crunch simply does not have the same ring to it. He has always been of the kindest nature to us, but we will concede that this news was not surprising. The guy was a little crazy. I mean have you seen the cereal he has been putting out? Cotton Candy Crunch? Are you kidding me?"

Snap, Crackle, and Pop were not able to put together words at this time, but said they will soon make their thoughts public when they feel the time is right. Count Chocula sadly wrote on his Twitter Page "This sucks" with a frowny emoji.

Photocredit: wsj.com