By: Oli Ostofferson
Recently I found myself looking into the Top 10 highest-grossing movie franchises of all-time and something didn’t sit right with me about the list. Where in the hell is the Ice Age franchise? With 5 total movies in the franchise and another spinoff of sorts on the way, it was shocking to me that the 5th highest grossing franchise of all-time (at $6 billion worldwide) was forced off the list strictly because it lands below franchises such as X-Men, DC, The Fast and Furious, Lord of the Rings, and Jurassic Park. This is clearly based on the agenda of Big Film to keep Ray Romano out of the spotlight, and it is disgraceful.
By Scooba Wang
What a journey it has been. This started like a month ago when the boss told me I had to write an article every month. I did that for the first month, and I even did it for the second month. Now it’s been like 6 months later and I’m just dumping the rest in one day. Not really much of a journey if you really think about it. Guys, please, if you like this, get my name out there. Tell all your friends about Scooba Wang. Grab your children and tell them about Mr. Wang. I need this more than you know. It has been so rocky at home lately that I need a positive to lay down next to all these negatives. Lastly, If I’ve said it once I have said it a million times, go watch the Last Crusade. The Austrian chick that kind of ends up being bad is seriously hot. You won’t regret it. Now for the conclusion of “ The Star Wars We Deserved.” Kathleen Kennedy you can suck it.
By Scuba Wang
We are slowly unraveling what will be the best idea Star Wars will never use. If you are still reading these, thank you. I’m sure a lot of people quit because they like easy story lines that have a quick payoff, but you are here because you want something deep that leaves you saying “hey that’s not too bad. Poor guy must hate his life because he’s reduced himself to writing ‘What If’ Star Wars stories.” Yep! At this point, even Mrs. Wang is hard on me for taking so much time to write these. Jokes on her! I quit my job months ago and have just been parking my car at the neighbors house before she gets up and walking back home after she leaves. I even took out a loan to replicate my usual paycheck. Hopefully it will all be worth it. If not, the worst that can happen is I lose my wife. Literally that is the worst case, so it’s nice to just say that possible reality out loud.
By Scuba Wang
Forget my long intros, I just want to get on with this. I’ve realized now that I waste way too much time for only 5 people to read my articles. It’s not worth it and it does nothing for my depression. You know what does though? Star Wars!!! Let’s get started where we left off, which was the differences between Ben and Rey's teachings. Looks like you'll have to click on the "Read More" button to, you know, read more on this.
By Scuba Wang
Part 3 is finally here! I have received too many death threats to ignore the cries of others. I apologize for the long wait for Part 3, but recently I’ve been really down with my Chronic Tennis Elbow. Everyone is sitting here talking about this COVID stuff and how deadly it is while I have been dealing with Chronic Tennis Elbow for over 20 years. Is it discrimination if others are getting more attention than me? I’ll make a note of that. Because seriously no one ever asks if I’m ok or if I’ve had a crazy year due to my Tennis Elbow. They just assume my year has been crazy due to a pandemic, but I digress. Star Wars is the topic we are all here for, not the occasional yet consistent inflammation I have to deal with. Also, I reached out to the Austrian woman from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. She didn’t respond, but I just wanted everyone to know that if I talk about something, I’m going to back it up. Guess what? I talked a lot about finishing this Star Wars series and that is why after all this time, I’m bringing it.
By Dawson Martin
(In Theaters and Available to Stream on HBO Max)
WW84 was a film I was pretty excited about earlier this year and was so glad it got moved back because of the pandemic. I was hoping to see it in the theaters when things were safe, but I had no idea HBO Max would be doing the things they are with new releases.
The film starts off with somebody other than Gal Gadot in a flashback with a child actor playing a young Diana Prince. If you ask me, you can’t begin WW84 with anyone other than Gadot, and it needed to be memorable. It was none of those things and it really started this movie off looking like a video game. Gone are the days with fantastic opening sequences like the boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Film Review By Dawson Martin
Streaming now on Netflix is Charlie Kaufman’s new film i’m thinking of ending things (2020). Kaufman is a really incredible screenwriter who sometimes directs his own feature films. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably the film you know him from if you’re familiar with his work at all. His filmmaking and writing style are very abstract and surreal so the films will definitely not be for everyone.
It’s taken Kaufman 5 years to release any new work and I’d say the wait was well worth it. I’m admittedly new to his work, but I’ve been doing a deep dive lately in preparation for this new film. The movie is about a young woman traveling with her new boyfriend to his parents’ secluded farm and upon arriving she comes to question everything she thought she knew about him, and herself. Of course, there is way more to the film than that. This is one of the most bizarre and experimental films you’ll probably ever see. It’s probably the most surreal film on Netflix for that matter. Surrealism is definitely fascinating to watch, but most writer/directors aren’t typically masters of the genre. In my opinion, Charlie Kaufman is definitely a master.
By Dawson Martin
NOW STREAMING ON HULU
Let’s face it. It’s been an absolute depressing summer (and year) for movies. In normal times we would all be out there at the theater soaking in whatever big budget blockbuster Hollywood had in store for us. This summer has been absolute garbage considering theaters across the country are closed and the big-name movies have mostly been moved to next year. These circumstances have really let the streaming services shine a bit and there’s been a few really good releases this summer overall. The summer film I’d like to highlight today is Hulu’s Palm Springs.
Palm Springs stars Andy Samberg, Cristin Milioti, and J.K. Simmons. It’s significant to know that this is the directorial debut of Max Barbakow. He should be really proud of the final product and I’m sure this project will lead to more opportunities for him to grow as a filmmaker. The movie follows these characters as they all meet at a wedding, and things grow complicated as they are unable to escape the venue or each other. The story is the classic time loop gimmick made famous by Groundhog Day in the 90’s. We’ve seen so many time loop movies where the character has to live the same day over and over again. You’d think by now this idea would grow tired, but this is where Palm Springs comes in.
By Scooba Wang (Pseudonym)
Hello and welcome back to part 2 of, The Star Wars We Deserved. I am your host Scooba Wang. I was very honored to see all of the great responses that came about recently due to my article. It seems that Ms. Piggy herself Kathleen Kennedy has been taught her lesson and will hopefully never destroy another franchise again. It seems that Star Wars will be doing a lot of changing in the next few years. With all of these new shows and movies soon to be made, it is hard to tell where the franchise will go. OH WAIT I KNOW! IT WILL GO DOWN THE CRAPPER! Clearly the morons out there in charge of Star Wars like John Favreau ( not even gonna bother to look up if I spelled that right because it’d be a waste of my time) and Dave Filoni only read half my article. You may have cut down the bean stock you idiots but that giant can still come crashing down. Oh look at us we are going to fix the sequel trilogy and make another edition of it that will come out in like 4 more years. What the frick is that? Am i just supposed to sit in this filth that is Star Wars until then?
By Dawson Martin
STREAMING NOW ON NETFLIX
Director Spike Lee has been an important force in filmmaking since the late 1980’s. He’s the most famous filmmaker in African American cinema and arguably the greatest. In 2018, Spike released one of his greatest films, BlacKkKlansman. It garnered 6 Academy Award nominations and it won best screenplay. This period for Spike has really been a late career high. Fresh off the success of BlacKkKlansman comes his latest film: Da 5 Bloods.
Da 5 Bloods follows four African American veterans as they later return to Vietnam seeking the remains of their fallen squad leader and the gold fortune he helped them hide. This is a "Spike Lee Joint" like I’ve never seen before. This film is a masterful genre blend of full throttle action, adventure, comedy, and hard-hitting drama. This sounds like a hard task to balance, but Spike does it exceptionally. If you’ve ever seen a “joint” before, you know he loves to blend real history in his films as well. Spike gives a voice to people that have always been denied in Vietnam war films. Try to think of some war films in your head and name some that feature African Americans. Truth is, you probably can’t, because Hollywood has denied them that outlet. Da 5 Bloods shines a light on the black experience of Vietnam and its effects it has on its soldiers. They were fighting an immoral war for a country that didn’t accept them. They deserve their story to be told and I’m thrilled Spike Lee has done that.
By Scooba Wang (Pseudonym)
If you don’t like Star Wars then stop reading this right now, go to your parents wherever they are, hand your father a belt with the buckle side facing up and tell him to teach you a lesson. If you love Star Wars or your Dad just gave you the whipping of a lifetime, welcome to an article that will leave you wanting more. I have been a Star Wars fan since I was born because my mom “ forced” me out. The only franchise that comes close or stands equal to that of Star Wars is the amazing work of J.R.R Tolkien with the Lord of the Rings films. But I’m not here to talk about him because his stuff was amazing and didn’t get screwed up like Star Wars did. Marvel, I’ve seen your movies, they are good, but lick my butt, you aren’t even close to these franchises. Throw in a brother and sister kissing and then we'll talk.
By Dawson Martin
In 1994, Disney released an absolute masterpiece. The Lion King (1994) is one of the best films ever made. It’s a film that is admired and beloved all over the world. They really struck gold, and everything came into place to make such a great movie. It’s essentially Disney’s take on Hamlet, and the story feels very Shakespearean and just epic. That story element with award winning music, great hand drawn animation, and perfect voice acting makes for a masterwork. It’ll make you laugh, cry, cheer, and all of the above. It’s as close to perfection a film can get.
By Dawson Martin
9 years ago, we watched a perfect “conclusion” to an amazing trilogy of animated films. I guess Disney/Pixar just wanted to make more money on this franchise because Toy Story 4 need not exist. Toy Story 3 had such a perfect ending and in my opinion, it should have been the way to close the book on this story. This movie was a possible cash grab. Nonetheless, I was so excited to see Buzz and Woody on the big screen again. Pixar Animation has made countless hits over the years and you probably loved several as a kid or even now as an adult. How could we not want another Toy Story?
By Quinn Eaton
You know how you would go to an amusement park as a kid and it would be the greatest day of your life? Then you go back a second time and it was still okay, but not as good as the first time? Then fast forward to that third time going, and you're like "you know this sucks, I wish I was at an Arby's sucking down a beef n' cheddar?"
The trilogy of Stranger Things seasons has had the exact opposite effect.