ABC's somehow hit show The Masked Singer made a surprising announcement yesterday as it revealed that The Turtle, The Turkey, and The Devil were all actually Mitch McConnell. Many viewers were already guessing that the Senate Majority Leader was at least one of the Masked Creatures, but the shocking reveal showed he was actually all three. How he was able to represent three different creatures and be the leader of the GOP is still in question, but when the AYN2K News Team reached out to McConnell's party for comment, they said he was "in hibernation for the winter and declined further questions."

A local man is losing sleep due to extreme frustration regarding the "not so neighborly" crickets that have taken up residence near his home. He has stated that the noisy insects wake him up too early and keep him up too late, and that "the least they could do is get on the same rhythm." The man accuses Disney of creating a deceitful image of the noisy bug in the classic Pinocchio film from 1940. The agitated man feels that Jiminy Cricket sets too high of a standard for crickets everywhere and strongly feels that Disney should be held accountable for constructing a false standard.

Sources within a vague shouting distance of people with information are reporting that Joe Biden has officially picked his running mate for his 2020 presidential campaign: Bob the Tomato. Biden chose Bob the Tomato because he said he was a well rounded individual. Joe was quickly informed that having Bob the Tomato as his Vice Presidential Candidate was "impossible" and "fictional," and after a brief rebuttal, the former VP agreed.

             Biden will now reassess his decision and officially announce his (second) choice for his                running mate as soon as today.




Photo Credit: bigidea.fandom.com, breitbart.com

Though this is under the news section, this surely isn't breaking news to anyone. There actually wasn't even a vote, but if Time Magazine did decide to award "Worst Year Ever," 2020 has an unbelievable resume. I think we can all relate to this picture from The Simpsons with Homer wistfully muttering "Oh will this horrible year never end?" That, quite possibly, is the worst part: we still have a ways to go. It's like we are a little over halfway through the workday and we spilled coffee on our shirt that we had already spilled coffee on that morning and spaghetti sauce on at lunch. The shirt is a disaster, but hey, might as well power through for the rest of the day. The following phrase either really works with that metaphor or cancels it out: 2020 is a wash.

In a shocking turn of events, the beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch was hit with distressing news of his demotion from Captain to First Lieutenant. Captain Crunch, or Cap'n Crunch for short, has held the position of Captain since 1963, making this news that much more unbelievable. The report announcing his demotion stated the lowering of ranks was due to "disorderly conduct" and "not taking responsibility for his cereal being all berries from time to time." Captain Crunch responded to the accusation by simply saying "Oops!"

Though it may seem the pandemic is over, top health officials are hesitant to say we are out of the woods just yet. Actually, health officials might even argue that we are wondering through the the woods aimlessly hoping to be saved by the sheer grace of God. Instead of using our compass or a map, we have elected to follow the moss that lies on the sides of rocks and chosen to follow our guts. But hey, this article isn't about the pandemic! It's about those pesky masks we all have to wear (or should be wearing) when we go out! Below are 5 reasons why those masks really aren't that bad.

 A local Chick-fil-A that is far enough away to where you have never been to it has landed in some hot water because some cold lemonade landed on a customer. Witnesses say that the customer ordered a Spicy Chicken combo meal and had already received their table number when the employee accidentally spilled a delicious, refreshing, ice-cold lemonade on the customer. A dramatic gasp filled the restaurant as fresh squeezed lemonade dripped to the floor. Those standing close to the counter of the restaurant say that the employee looked the customer in the eye, smiled, and simply stated "My Pleasure," leading some to believe that this spill could have possibly been premeditated. Chick-fil-A has not commented on the story because they were not asked to comment.

A woman who was enjoying a granola bar unfortunately lost her grip on the crunchy snack and allowed it to fall to the ground. Despite efforts to retrieve the bar from the ground in the allocated 5 seconds, the woman was just a second too late. The germs that were on the ground waited the appropriate time to attack the fallen granola, and after 5 seconds it ,of course, was declared fair game.

A classic case of "don't believe everything you see on TV" came to fruition when a man living near where polar bears also live decided to share his delicious Coca Cola with a pack of polar bears. You cannot blame the guy for wanting to live it up with these majestic beasts like how it is in the Coca Cola commercials, but you can blame him for lacking both common sense and intellectual reasoning. "They look so fun in the commercials!" is likely what the man thought just before the strife occured.

A local troublemaking kid stayed up very late last night because his school district would not call off school due to the accumulation of snow on the ground. The school district declined to comment, but it can be inferred that they didn't think there was enough snow on the ground for a snow day. The kid pleaded with his parents and friends that they should cancel school, adding that he thought that the backroads were "probably pretty bad." The kid was upset when he heard that school would go on as regularly scheduled. He will now have to do nothing at school rather than doing nothing in the comfort of his own home. 

Now before I dive right in, let me preface my thoughts by saying this: I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to spending time on my device. I am connected through three or four forms of social media, I'll text someone that is within walking distance; I am in no way better or any more advanced when it comes to staying busy with technology. However, I will say that I am aware of the issue, and I have made a lot of strides to mend the problem, and let me tell you, our society has a problem.

A new study conducted by the AYN2K research department reveals that studies that are shown might not actually be studied showings, but rather showings that are not studied. The public is always quick to believe a news report that states "studies show" before it presents what the studies are showing, but recent studies show that it might be good to study the showings yourself before you believe that the studied showings have actually been studied.

The sidewalks of Nashville will soon look much different following Mayor David Briley’s decision to ban scooters from operating in his city. Mayor Briley notified several scooter companies present within Nashville of his plans last month citing “public safety and accessibility costs.” ​